These tiny, tiny pills changing me for better or for ever? Are these super powerful to make me well or so strong they will worsen any part of my being? All the things I disagree with concerning health and wellness I now find at my door. Do I do it for me or do I do it for those I love? Mixed emotions. I never was one much for being confused or having mixed emotions concerning anything in my life before. Before this. I always have been matter of fact and opinionated on my beliefs no matter what the issue. Not stubborn, just believing strongly towards some subjects. Now it is a bit different. I guess you might say I have reached a low, needed to make a decision and the one I am choosing is to at least try the tiny, tiny white pills. Yesterday my dosage was cut back only by 2 pills, from 12 per day to 10. I indeed noticed a slight difference as to the puffiness. It seems it went from bloated, puffy feeling to a lighter feel and more settled within my body. (just as long as it doesn't take up residence here). This morning I feel a bit lighter. So I really do think this is not long term weight but just swollen, tender tissue which is saying "What the _ _ _ _ are your doing to me?" All my years of healthy living and eating and now these little pills are invading my tissues inside and out. Well if they are wrecking havoc on my body and appearance I am hoping that what can't be seen with the naked eye is a war going on inside each spot in my body that needs fighters working hard for it right now. And against all prior belief in medicines which can destroy our livers I am gonna trust this little guy to help me. His stay is short. 17 more days to go and I may never let him back into my life again. I am just thinking that if every few days my dosage is cut back as instructed it may truly work and the conditions of the shell of a body I live in is just temporary. I will be in control. I am in control now, I made the choice to do the tiny white pill, because I hurt so bad and was deteriorating too quickly and possibly for the first time in 26 years with MS frightened at what I was seeing and feeling in my life. It has to be the scariest time ever in my entire life, to know that quite possibly I will not recover, stay the same or get worse. The largest concern is others, I never wish to be a burden to anyone. This will keep me going I do know. I said to my son just the other day "maybe my dream of retiring at the beach is good for me, since if I fall so much falling in the sand would be easier on me." His response to me was " Mom, you'll just get brush burns". That's my boy! My sense of humor...keeping me laughing at the least expected time. I do love him so. I will take brush burns over broken bones and sprained body parts. So which beach do I decide on? I always wanted to be an old lady at the sea shore picking sea shells and stones the ocean gives us as gifts each day.....I have a plan!
Thanks for listening. I will be fine. No, I will be well 4 ever! Because this is what I feel.
Keep the good foods going down the hatch along with the tiny, tiny pills.
Let's see who wins! I hope it's me.
You might be asking yourself....why is she telling all this?.....well it is my thoughts (since I am having them) there might be others out there who do not express themselves such as I and sitting around wondering all these puzzlements which I am experiencing. If 1 tiny thing I might spurt out on this blog can turn a light on in someone's mind and help then I will share all I am experiencing concerning every aspect of my illness. Not just the healthy, positive ones, but also the ones that make us who we are and cause even more confusion to go on in our minds and bodies. It is my thoughts...you never really know until you wear the person's shoes. And I will write about each step of the way from my own standpoint and affect it is having on me.
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